A dream

Sep. 12th, 2013 07:59 pm
lady_mab: (tears and dreams)
[personal profile] lady_mab
Alright so I needed somewhere to put this and why not on my seldom-visited DW?!


The simple explanation is "last night, I had a dream and in it I was about to die and then I woke up and it was scary". (it was horrifying, it was terrifying, none of the words really seem to grasp it)

A bit of a summary of the dream:
My sister and I were told that we had a special cell in our body that, if cultivated, could cure anything. The caveat being, we had to be dead in order for the cells to be taken. I don't remember if we both agreed to it, but I know at least I did. The date was set, and I went about the rest of the remainder of the time I had left.

I remember it being the day before and the overwhelming fear that came over me. I was writing up a post to explain what was happening and I just remember this crippling panic when I realized that I never told Xavier--that I couldn't bring myself to tell him what I had decided on my own. I remember how hard I was crying and even thinking back on it, the way I resigned myself to my fate without even questioning it because of the Betterment of Man Kind, I still feel like breaking down and sobbing because it scares me.

My biggest fear (if not one of the two) is that I will die without finishing anything. All the novels I will leave incomplete, the fanfiction, the shows I won't get to watch, the crushing realization that everything is just finished. This dream rubbed it in my face because I had the chance to back out of it but I didn't, I let it continue on and I just cried because of how scared I was and how much I regretted it but couldn't say no.

One of the worst parts was that I came out of the dream slowly, and it clung to me all the way until I woke up. I just lay in the dark, disoriented, because it was like 3:30 or 4 and I didn't know what to do with myself. I fumbled out a tweet just to release the final burden.

I struggled with the idea of texting Xavier. But I didn't know what to say. "I had a scary dream" didn't cut it. "I had a dream that I was going to die" didn't do it justice. "I had a dream that uncovered my greatest fear and held it over my head and gave me a choice to escape but I wouldn't take it". I tried several times today to bring it up but every time, the words just sort of died in my throat and I couldn't gather the air to speak.

Typing it out is easier because I can push it forward and I don't need air to speak even if I am having a hard time breathing because I want to cry again.

Date: 2013-09-13 03:44 am (UTC)
box_of_doom: meditation (Default)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
*Hugs*

Death terrifies me in pretty much any form, so I understand at least part of what you must have felt.

But thankfully, it was just a dream and you have [hopefully] a long and happy life ahead of you. It was selfless of you to go ahead with it regardless. I suppose you were somewhat facing your fear, even if it felt terrifying and made you want to cry. You were doing what you could, and you were wonderful for it.

Remember, though, that death in dreams hardly ever means death in life. Maybe it was just meant to scare you, or maybe there is something else to take from it.

Either way, I'm sorry you had to go through it, and that you've been having a hard time getting past it today as a result. *more hugs and love to you*

Date: 2013-09-13 04:11 am (UTC)
box_of_doom: meditation (Default)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
Perhaps! Or maybe there's a new job opportunity or something on your horizon. Who knows?

XD I once randomly had a dream with slightly-older-than-in-02!Joe. It was one of the highlights of that dream as well. XD

*ALL THE HUGS*

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