A dream

Sep. 12th, 2013 07:59 pm
lady_mab: (tears and dreams)
[personal profile] lady_mab
Alright so I needed somewhere to put this and why not on my seldom-visited DW?!

The simple explanation is "last night, I had a dream and in it I was about to die and then I woke up and it was scary". (it was horrifying, it was terrifying, none of the words really seem to grasp it)

A bit of a summary of the dream:
My sister and I were told that we had a special cell in our body that, if cultivated, could cure anything. The caveat being, we had to be dead in order for the cells to be taken. I don't remember if we both agreed to it, but I know at least I did. The date was set, and I went about the rest of the remainder of the time I had left.

I remember it being the day before and the overwhelming fear that came over me. I was writing up a post to explain what was happening and I just remember this crippling panic when I realized that I never told Xavier--that I couldn't bring myself to tell him what I had decided on my own. I remember how hard I was crying and even thinking back on it, the way I resigned myself to my fate without even questioning it because of the Betterment of Man Kind, I still feel like breaking down and sobbing because it scares me.

My biggest fear (if not one of the two) is that I will die without finishing anything. All the novels I will leave incomplete, the fanfiction, the shows I won't get to watch, the crushing realization that everything is just finished. This dream rubbed it in my face because I had the chance to back out of it but I didn't, I let it continue on and I just cried because of how scared I was and how much I regretted it but couldn't say no.

One of the worst parts was that I came out of the dream slowly, and it clung to me all the way until I woke up. I just lay in the dark, disoriented, because it was like 3:30 or 4 and I didn't know what to do with myself. I fumbled out a tweet just to release the final burden.

I struggled with the idea of texting Xavier. But I didn't know what to say. "I had a scary dream" didn't cut it. "I had a dream that I was going to die" didn't do it justice. "I had a dream that uncovered my greatest fear and held it over my head and gave me a choice to escape but I wouldn't take it". I tried several times today to bring it up but every time, the words just sort of died in my throat and I couldn't gather the air to speak.

Typing it out is easier because I can push it forward and I don't need air to speak even if I am having a hard time breathing because I want to cry again.
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