Mwyr - Chapter Seventeen

[lady_mab]

They were still a week from Hullenscir, yet Cassia regretted her decision to follow Chan. 

The anxiety built up in the confines of her ribs over the last two weeks, and there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. She pressed a hand to her chest, the frantic heartbeat not quite feeling like her own. It could have belonged to someone else. 

Someone who was nervous to see the Goddess. Someone overwhelmed with guilt at what they would have to confess when seeing her for the first time. 

She came along because Chan asked her to. Loki asked her, too, but she would have followed even if he hadn’t approached her. Someone had to look after him, and it might as well be her. So where did the unease come from? 

“Cass?” 

The sound of her name jerked her out of her thoughts and her head swiveled toward her companion. 

While her anxiety grew, Chan’s only seemed to dwindle. He sat straighter and held his head aloft. He shed the exhaustion that plagued him on the farm, ever since Tallah’s dead. Each steady pound of the horses’ hooves against the road signaled another knot untied. 

Or maybe the knots from his chest transferred over to her. She became the bearer of his burdens so he wouldn’t have to. 

“Cassia?” Chan quirked a brow when she took too long to respond to his initial question. “You alright?” 

While she demanded that he told her the truth about what he felt, she couldn’t find it in her to return the favor. Not completely. Each attempt ended in an aborted sound caught in her mouth. “I’m just a little nervous,” she finally admitted, because she was. 

“Because you’re going to meet the Goddess?” 

In all honesty, she couldn’t figure out why. The heart that wasn’t hers beat beneath her skin and stuttered in anticipation. “I think so.” The answer felt right on her tongue, so she didn’t try to clarify. 

Chan smiled, more to himself than to comfort her. She could tell by the way his eyes softened and his gaze drifted to the side. “Don’t be. Arika is easy to get along with.” 

She ignored the twinge in her chest. “You know Tallah and I never saw eye to eye on things--” 

“She’s nothing like Tallah.” 

Cassia watched the tinge of sadness settle in at the corners of his mouth. She grew up learning every little nuance of his emotions because he never could express them well. “So you’ve said. But isn’t the entire point of the Church picking a girl was because she embodied the Goddess? Compassionate, and mild-mannered and… everything the image of ‘good’ should be?” 

“I suppose. But we don’t really know, do we? We’ve only been told what to believe through what the Church has written after her time on Mwyr.” Chan’s head canted to the side. 

Her gasp caught in her throat. She must have made some sort of audible sound, because he glanced at her. “What are you saying?” 

He shook his head. “Just thinking. A feeling I have had.” His hand lifted and made a vague gesture towards his heart. 

“It’s disrespectful.” 

A look flashed behind his eyes that she couldn’t identify. It was one she had never seen before, and it worried her. “Isn’t it better this way? A Goddess that is more like the common man, as opposed to something stuck on a pedestal. Worshipping an unattainable goal.” 

A palpable silence rose between them. 

Cassia looked away first, focusing on her mare’s forelock. “It’s disrespectful to talk about the Mother that way. She is more than just a common human.” 

The tension plaguing her shoulders eased a degree when he finally turned away. “You know that I was never one to pay much attention to the Church’s doctrine. It never felt right.” 

“Is that something you should be saying on the road to Hullenscir? On your way to see the Goddess?” 

“I’m going to see Arika.” 

She snorted and tossed her head. The sun slipped beneath the rim of her hat and blinded her for a heartbeat. “I cannot believe that you are going to try and make a difference between them now.” 

The argument rose in a slight hitch of his breath, but Chan swallowed it down and remained silent. He had been doing that often, she noticed. There were many things that he wasn’t telling her, and she had no idea just when he started to keep so many secrets. She wanted to ask, but knew that it would join the list of things he wouldn’t tell her. 

Cassia huffed and fiddled with the ribbons of her hat. “Fine. That’s fine, Chan. I won’t press you for answers. You’ll give them to me when you’re ready.” 

He grunted, as if he wanted to argue. In the end, released a huff of breath as well and nudged his horse in the sides. “Let’s cover some more distance before nightfall.” 

She let him outpace her, watching the shadows across his back. This determination was a completely new side to him that she did not recognize. When he first arrived in Wellfox from the orphanage, he always tried to hide behind Loki and Tallah. He never spoke out against any suggestions, and never offered any of his own. Now, he wasn’t afraid to ask her to come with him. 

But even after all this time, she still didn’t have the power to tell him no. 

#

A week came and went in the comforts of the Church, and the only thing Arika felt was very clean and mildly irritated. She also had the vague suspicion that she was being kept under a form of house arrest. 

Deacon Paol’s idea of ‘cleansing’ involved much bathing of her body and several hours alone in a meditation room designed specifically for her. When not in one of those two activities, one of the Deacon’s ministers monitored her lessons. 

Cairo was ubiquitous, popping up when she least expected it. 

The one time she attempted to sneak out, the guard waited by the stone stairs leading into Hullenscir with a bemused smile and a “Try harder next time, Goddess.”

There were no divine revelations sent down from a celestial being on high. She remained as confused as when setting out on the journey, if only a bit more confident in her confusion. 

How many times was she told the same thing? You are you, but you are the Goddess. Easy for them to say. They didn’t have a second or even fifth life fighting beneath their skin. 

She couldn’t be just one person. She had to be Selphie and Henna and Rosalyn. She had to be the Goddess, the original she shared a name with that hovered over her heart to give her strength. 

Arika longed to live up to the expectations that all of Hullenscir had every time they looked at her. She wanted to be able to tell them that everything will be alright. I am here to help you.

The next best thing was to find a way out of the special Goddess chambers in the Church. So she asked Cairo for permission to go into the city. 

His response was to laugh so hard he almost couldn’t force out his words. “Not if you want me to keep my head, Goddess. I will not be the one to let you out onto the streets.” There might have been tears in his eyes from mirth.

Next, she went to the Deacon. He at least had the decency to hide what might have been a horrified look on a lesser man. This involved a slight widening of his eyes and a hand pressed to his chest in shock. “There is still much to do for your training, Lady. I cannot allow such whimsical marching about in Hullenscir when you are as unprepared as you are.” 

Arika did the only thing she could think of. She did not ask. 

“Cairo,” she called, waving off a lady in waiting attempting to pin the few uncooperative strands of her hair. 

The guard was at her elbow in the span of a heartbeat, brows furrowed as he watched her slide on her boots. “My Lady?” 

“We’re going out.” She declined the offered veil. She did not want to cover up her face. 

“Out?” 

“Into Hullenscir.” 

His dark skin went ashen at the suggestion. “Lady, I do not think that wise--” 

“What are they going to do, Cairo? Throw me in the stocks or whatever it is they do for fun around here?” She smiled, but he did not return the expression. “I will not be kept from seeing the people who have waited two years for me to arrive.” 

Cairo’s lips pressed into a thin line, the way they tended to when he did not agree with what she was saying. He would not be the one to speak out against the Goddess, though, and lifted his hands in a gesture of defeat. “I will be right behind you, Lady.” 

Arika gave her skirts one final toss, still not used to the heavy weight of all the fabric. Once in the Church, she dressed in white linens embroidered with gold and dark blue, the eye of the Goddess stitched into the collar and cuffs. The ladies assigned to her tried to get her to wear a veil, but she found it ridiculous and refused. 

With far more energy than she thought possible, she stepped into the silent stone hall. 

The two young guards posted at her door performed a double take, but she smiled and continued on her way. Behind her, Cairo muttered something to them and they responded with a chorus of ‘yes, sir’s. 

He caught up with her, and leaned down to speak into her ear. “You should have worn a hat or at least a cape to cover up that dress of yours. It would be easier to sneak out that way.” 

“Is that how you knew, last time?”

“Perhaps,” he said, and she could hear the smile on his voice. “I told them to say that you were not feeling well if anyone should ask after you. That would at least give you a bit of time.” 

A warm glow blossomed in her chest, and a bounce formed in her step. “And here I was thinking you didn’t want me to go out into the town.” 

“I personally do not think it wise, no. But I trust you to take the best course of action when it comes to your own role here in Hullenscir.” 

The blossom grew and Arika glanced back at him. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” 

He inclined his head in a slight bow, then hooked his hand around her elbow. “Now, if you want to sneak out, I will show you how.” 

Cairo, it turned out, knew several side passages used only by servants and guards. The few they ran across greeted him with smiles, welcoming him back to the Church after his two years away. When they recognized her, they stopped to stare. Several held out a tentative hand as she passed, and Arika squeezed them warmly between both of hers. 

At the entrance to the kitchens, they crossed paths with a little girl sporting wide tawny eyes and a mess of brown hair. “You’re the Goddess,” she gasped, pointing. 

She knelt down to be at eye level with the little girl. “I am. What is your name?” 

The girl pointed to herself, and Arika nodded. “I’m Ley! My mother works in the kitchen.” 

Footsteps sounded down the halls, and Cairo’s hand landed on her shoulder. “Lady, we should keep moving if you actually want to see the city.” 

Arika patted the girl’s head and winked. “Don’t tell anyone you saw us, okay?” 

Ley nodded, dumbfounded, and watched as they headed for the rear kitchen doors. 

The sun beat down on her head the moment they stepped into the side courtyard. The lingering chill of the stone corridors vanished with the summer breeze. A happy sigh escaped her lips. “I never thought I would miss being outside after just a week. Were the other incarnations always kept locked up like this?” 

Cairo made a small grunt, looking around. “Not entirely, but the Deacon dictated their schedules.” 

“Schedules.” That’s what Sera had called it before. She reached into the memories of the others lingering inside her to break down the word. “Who deserved what blessings, where to lend support in a time of need, but always from a distance…” 

When she paused long enough to listen, she heard three voices raised in meek protest. Selphie, whose only connection to outside the Church was Vida. Henna, who had watched Hullenscir burn in riots and could do nothing to help them. Rosalyn, who was alone and afraid and had no one before her. 

Then there was the fourth, the original Goddess. Silent and eager and quelling the other three with a gentle urging. 

Arika’s footsteps marched in time to her heartbeat as she crossed the courtyard to the side door. Her fingers wrapped around the brass handle and tugged it open. 

People surged past on the street, none of them paying attention to her standing in the doorway. Her eyes flitted from person to person and watched the flow of fabrics and voices pass before her. 

And then, taking a deep breath, she stepped into their midst. 

A strangled noise of surprise worked its way out of Cairo, but she didn’t turn to see his reaction. Instead, she kept walking through the crowds. Her feet carried her without thought, guided by an inner compass. 

She managed to get half a block away before people began to notice her. They stopped in their paths to stare, unsure of what they saw. Their gazes caused little pinpricks of energy to tickle the back of her neck and up her arms. 

The people of Wellfox had been too busy setting up for the fair to notice her. Here in Hullenscir, more and more people began to stop as she passed. Soon, it became a ripple effect. People froze, heads turned, and silence descended around her. 

A single, heart-wrenching wail sounded from the far end of the crowd circling her. For one brief instant, all five pieces of her lined up into one and she was the Goddess that they expected her to be. 

“Goddess!” a woman cried, fighting her way through the bodies separating her from Arika.

A murmur of confusion hummed in the air, suspicions confirmed as they stared at her in unmasked awe. Recognition dawned on their faces and their expressions lit up with delight. The realization was borderline tangible as it seeped into their brains: The Goddess walks among us. 

The woman shoved her way forward, a single point cutting through the unmoving masses. She fell to her knees on the cobbled streets the moment she broke through -- no one there to support her trembling legs. “Goddess, please!” Her voice caught on a sob as she reached for Arika’s hands. 

Startled, Arika tried to take a step back but the woman gripped hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. “Ma’am--” 

“My daughter,” she sobbed, and used her arm to claw herself upright. “Please, she’s dying.” 

The blood drained from her face, and her arm turned numb -- though she wasn’t too sure if it was out of the mounting fear that crept up her spine or the woman’s grip. “I’m sorry, but I--” 

“No, no please! All I ask is that you see her.” Her eyes were wide and her hair hovered around her head in a tangle of frizz. “You have to help her.” 

There was no sign of Cairo when she cast a glance among the faces closing in around her. Where was he? All she could see were a blur of indistinct faces. Arika’s heart jumped into her throat, her body pulsing in time to its frantic beat. Power buzzed in the tips of her fingers, and the woman’s hands sprung away. “Ma’am, take a deep breath.” 

Whispers rose to a crescendo of curiosity and amazement. It took a moment before she could start picking out some of the words. Look at that woman. So shameless. Grabbing onto the Goddess like that.

Arika’s eyes narrowed and the four within her shivered at the mounting power. “I will go,” she said, voice soft and private. She was anxious to be out of the crowd. It was so much more different than what she expected. 

A hand reached for her from behind, brushing across her shoulders. A shock of electricity went through her, and the touch jumped away. She whipped around at another touch, but couldn’t identify where it came from. 

The woman tugged on her arm, and Arika stumbled under the pressure. “My daughter--” 

“My son--” someone else said, grabbing onto her other arm. “His leg--” 

More hands grabbed onto her. Despite her rabbit-quick pulse, blood flushing her cheeks and her chest, the crowd only pressed closer. They scrambled for the magic as soon as it surfaced. 

Voices rose from the sea of surrounding faces. “Why would you chose to help that woman, Goddess?” “She isn’t the only one who has suffered!” 

Every time her eyes swept to one cluster, the voices went up on the other side. Her breath caught in her chest, freezing in her lungs. “What?” 

Another voice took up the cry. “I lost my brothers as they fought to defend your name!” 

“Where were you at my mother’s funeral?” 

“I lost my house and my family. I came to the Church to ask for your help and received none!” 

Others joined in as the calls turned into shouts. The sounds pressed in as the bodies surged closer, melding into a roar of anger and betrayal. 

Her legs trembled, but there was no room for her to collapse. The crowd kept her upright, buffeted from side to side. The mob reached for her -- hands grabbing at her dress and her arms and her hair and-- 

“Enough!” Arika’s voice erupted from her mouth, tearing the air from her lungs with a strength that wasn’t hers alone. The taste of metal lingered heavy on her tongue. 

Everything went quiet and the crowd took a step back. 

Her shoulders heaved as she struggled to regain her breath. Her thoughts and body shivered, limbs trembling as her blood carried nerves and magic. Her thoughts whispered in time with the crowd. The Goddess. She felt more like herself at that moment then she did since waking up. 

“I am sorry, more than I can put into words.” No hands grabbed her now, and a good two paces separated her from the people still clustered around her. Her lungs heaved, exhaustion singing through her veins as her body struggled to compensate. “You gave me everything, and I was not there to offer anything in return. You all deserve my condolences and apologies, but I do not deserve to be the outlet for your frustration.” 

The air around her ankles swirled as she spun in a full circle, her skirts flaring with the new breeze. She fixed her gaze on as many faces as she could, though they averted their eyes when her attention landed on them. “I will be staying at the Church. When you think you can stand to speak to me face to face instead of concealed in a mob, then you may come to see me.” 

Her legs took an involuntary step forward with a confidence that sent the people surging back to maintain the distance. Her throat ached from the cold air, so different from the humid storm that threatened her and Cairo on the road. An unfamiliar anger sparked at the tips of her fingers. For a moment, she thought there was a visible manifestation. “How dare you show this ugly side of your humanity to me when asking for a blessing.” 

She sucked in another breath, then a third, but the sensation never abated. It only grew, coursing up her arms and spine, wrapping invisible fingers around her neck. 

It felt like thousands of eyes were upon her, but when she looked, no one returned her gaze. 

From behind her, at the edge of the crowd, a strangled voice cried out, “Arika!” 

She turned, heart leaping into her throat, and the pieces of her fell apart. “Sera--?” 

A chill splashed down over her head, drenching her in an ice-cold numbness as the bits of her scattered further from her grasp. Stars exploded behind her eyes and a sharp pain followed shortly after. Arika wobbled in place for a moment before her knees buckled. 

She heard her name again, but a roaring in her ears blocked out any other sound and she collapsed.