Meliora - Emanate - 49

[lady_mab]

Liala Darcy

I should have known that something was up when I couldn't find Lio after school. At first, I just figure that he's gone to the computer lab or has a shift at work and neglected to tell me. It wouldn't be the first time, after all.

Or even that he wanted to be alone for a bit. I wouldn't fault him for that either, because I understand the feeling. After Jun's breakdown during lunch on Monday, the four of us have been feeling a tension that doesn't exist between the other half of the group.

Mal, Robbie, Ayumu and Beat have officially become something separate from us. A group that doesn't know what we are going through. To them, it's just another day, another week, another March. And soon it will be just another end of the school year, and another summer break.

How much longer are we expected to keep on at this rate? Weeks -- months -- years? Is there even an end point, or do we physically have to remove ourselves from this situation in order to consider this game over and done with?

I'd like to talk to Lio about this, but I can't find him. I send Lio a quick text as I make my way out of the building. I couldn't find you after school. Just wanted to let you know that I'll be going home without you. I'll see you later.

Except, as I walk down the stairs of the school building, I find Zoné sitting at the very bottom. Alone.

His legs are drawn up to his chest and his forearms drape over them as he stares at his phone. It's only been fifteen minutes since the bell rang to signal the end of the day, and his tie is already shoved into his bag. His uniform sleeves are rolled up past his elbows despite the chill of the day.

I tuck the edge of my skirt against my legs and drop down next to him. "I'm not used to seeing you all on your own."

He arches an eyebrow and glances at me out of the corner of his eye, but still doesn't divert his attention away from the phone. "The others have gone ahead," he says by way of explanation.

'The others'. I wonder if he means it in the same way that I've been thinking about it.

"Are you waiting on Jun?"

Zoné nods, tapping the screen to bring up the recent chat he's had with the girl in question. "She hasn't said anything all day. We always walk home together, ever since I asked her to be my partner for Meliora. Unless something else pops up, but we always let each other know."

From what I understand of their history, learned mostly over the one dinner we had only two weeks ago, they became friends shortly before the invitation went out to everyone. At that point, they had barely known each other. It was a fast and strong friendship.

The unspoken thought that I'm sure we all share is how would our relationships have changed if the invitation was never sent.

Finally, he looks up at me and his shoulders sag. "I wanted to keep an eye on her. I'm worried."

I hug my arms to my chest, staring out at the empty street before us. A few students are lingering, but no one that I recognize. Definitely no sign of pink hair, no matter how much it has started to fade over the last few months. "She's a big girl. She's able to take care of herself."

"No, I know that. She's more capable than I am without a doubt. But... this is hitting her very hard." Zoné rakes a hand through his hair and sighs. He looks so tired. "Glen was... they were pretty close."

"Were they dating?" It would certainly explain their closeness the other night.

He shrugs, drops his phone into his lap, and hugs his arms around his legs. "I honestly don't know. Maybe? I know that he really liked her. It's been... really hard trying to stay level-headed about this." His head drops between his arms, sinking down until all I can see is the arch of his shoulders and the stretch of his neck. "I don't know how I'm supposed to explain it to the others. I called them that night when we were waiting for Glen's parents to arrive. I thought for sure they wouldn't be able to forget him."

His fingers work through the hair at the base of his neck, then ruffle across the rest of his head before he sits back up. "And it's just... been so fucking stressful. Watching Jun shut herself off and for Beat and Mal and Robbie and Ayumu to carry on like nothing is wrong."

I scoot over the few inches that remain between us and tuck my arm through his. I can feel him tense beneath my touch, then ease into it without protest. "It's okay to allow yourself to be angry every once in awhile."

I feel more than hear his laughter. "You would think that would be true. I'd love for it to be true. But right now I don't feel like I can. Because if Jun can't keep it together, and I can't keep it together, then we're going to have to find the words to explain what is wrong. We have to pretend like it is normal." He sounds more like he is quoting someone than saying what he really believes. Repeating words back that have been drilled into him -- or that he's drilled into himself.

So I shake my head and nudge him in the side. "Don't think like that. Not around us, you don't have to. Jun's not here, the others aren't here. It's just you and me."

This time, Zoné's laugh is a bit more convincing, if still strained. He covers his face with one hand, but it's not enough to muffle the sound.

A moment later, I realize that it's not his mouth his trying to hide. It's his eyes.

The pale star pokes out from beneath his fingers and he catches his lower lip between his teeth. Another strained laugh works its way free. "It's been a week and a half. If I haven't cried already, I'm not about to start now."

I pull his hand into my lap and sandwich it between mine. His skin is rough and dark compared to my pale fingers. "It's been a week and a half since one of your best friends died, Zoné. It's okay that it's not okay. It's okay that it's going to take awhile for you to be okay."

His fingers shift, gripping mine in response. He's leaning against the wall, head turned away, hand still covering his eyes. "I didn't even know it was that bad. I couldn't do anything."

"I know. Believe me, I know. Things seem fine one moment, and an instant later they aren't." I study our hands, the cracks in my fingernails and the fabric of my skirt. I study the cadence of his breathing as it hitches and shudders. "The important thing is to know that you're allowed to hate the results. Don't pretend like it can keep on being fine."

"Am I supposed to start ignoring everyone else then? How am I supposed to act around Beat and them without having the words to explain?"

I shake my head, though I know he can't see it. "I don't know. But it's not good to ignore your own feelings. Jun has her own way of mourning. Give yourself a chance to mourn as well."

He doesn't respond, but he doesn't need to. I understand.