Meliora - Extricate - 48

[lady_mab]

Zoné Altair

I’m only half listening to the others talk about a new video game, voices warring with one another for domination of the conversation. They have been carrying on about it for the last ten minutes, ever since we gathered together on the steps of the school like we do every day.

Jun is nowhere to be found.

She hasn’t texted, and I haven’t seen her since lunch. Only Glen shared a class with her, but I can’t reach out to him anymore.

“Yo, earth to Zoné!” Ayu taps my forehead and I jerk out of my thoughts to find everyone looking at me expectantly.

“Uh. Yeah?” A smile comes to my face, but it feels shallow.

If they notice, none of them say anything.

“We were just wondering if you wanted to come over and play Cyberpoint with us,” Mal says, studying my face for any sort of clues to how I’m feeling. He’s always been the most level headed out of the group, save for the debates he gets in with Robbie. He’s trying to find an answer to a question he doesn’t want to ask. “Ayu’s got the new DLC, and Beat is promising to show us all how good he is at the game.”

“Hey, I can hear the sarcasm and I don’t appreciate it.” Crossing his arms over his chest, Beat challenges each of them with a pout. “I am good at that game.”

“You can say that after you beat my high score.” Ayu returns the challenge by pushing his glasses up his nose in a way that he typically describes as ‘anime mastermind’, whatever that means. “Are you going to join us?”

I open my mouth, but only a small sound trickles out of it.

Now everyone is looking at me, concerned.

Coughing to clear my throat and hoping that my smile is still in place, I shake my head. “Naw. I’ll wait here for Jun.”

Beat presses a hand to his chest. “I will wait with you.”

My chest goes cold. I want to talk to Jun alone, to make sure that she’s okay. “You don’t have to--”

“Dude, Beat, just give her space.” Robbie gives him a friendly punch on the arm. “She’s probably just tired of your persistent advances.”

“It’s not--” I try, but Beat protests loudly on how he would never make advances that were unwanted and that he’s just concerned, honestly.

The energy to try and explain has completely left me. My shoulders droop and it’s a considerable effort to just breathe, because every time I do it feels like a sigh.

I don’t know how to tell them what’s wrong. They act like nothing is. I don’t know if it’s just their way of coping, or if this is really what the deal is now.

I don’t want to find out if they remember. I don’t want to bring it up, only to have their confused expressions as an answer.

I have no idea how I’m supposed to respond if they ask who Glen is, and I’m terrified that if I bring him up at all, that that is exactly what will happen.

“It’s not you, Beat. She’s just…” I trail off, trying to find a good answer. “She misses her family. I think she said something about a relative passing away, and she can’t make it back for the funeral. It’s just been rough for her.” Not completely wrong. Enough that they can understand the gravity of the situation.

I hope she doesn’t mind the lie.

All of their faces shift from concern for me to concern for Jun, and that’s fine. I don’t want to have to see their confused pity aimed at me. Jun’s not here, so she can accept that burden in her absence.

They also all accept the fact that I’m the closest person to Jun, and that if she doesn’t want to be bothered, then they won’t bother her. So they give me their well-wishes to deliver to her and head off down the sidewalk.

I wait until they’re out of view before my legs finally give out beneath me.

I drop onto the bottom step with a heavy sigh, raking my hand back through my hair and trying to maintain my composure while still on campus.

“Where are you, Jun…” I set my phone on my lap, willing a message to arrive, to let me know where she’s at.

There’s a minute where nothing happens, and then I hear a single pair of light footsteps come to a stop beside me. Before I can look to see who it is, the girl smooths her hands on the edge of her skirt and sits down on the step beside me.

It’s Lia, alone, looking just as tired as I feel.

“I’m not used to seeing you all on your own,” she says.

I glance at her, but the bulk of my attention is still on my phone. Willing it to give me an answer. “The others have gone ahead.” I don’t mention the fact that it’s weird to see her alone, too.

She considers this answer. “Are you waiting on Jun?”

Unthinking, I bring up my text chat with Jun, as if her name will summon a response. I haven’t texted her since this morning. I don’t want her to feel like I’m bothering her, but I don’t know what else to do. “She hasn’t said anything all day. We always walk home together, ever since I asked her to be my partner for Meliora. Unless something else pops up, but we always let each other know.”

This absence from her is hard, if only because I don’t know what she’s thinking about.

When I didn’t see her over winter break, we at least spoke. I knew how she was doing. I know absolutely nothing now.

I look at Lia and I feel like every inch of me is ready to collapse in on itself. “I wanted to keep an eye on her. I’m worried.”

Lia glances away, arms folded over her chest as she stares out onto the sidewalk. “She’s a big girl. She’s able to take care of herself.”

I laugh despite myself. “No, I know that. She’s more capable than I am without a doubt. But… This is hitting her very hard.” A sigh escapes me and I dig my hands back through my hair. “Glen was… they were pretty close.”

“Were they dating?”

It takes considerable effort to suppress my wince. I force myself to shrug and pull my legs up to my chest. Time for another lie. “I honestly don’t know. Maybe? I know that he really liked her.” An understatement, but I don’t know how else to phrase it. It’s not my fact to tell. Again, Jun will have to decide if she wants to say it, in her own time.

I press my forehead against my knees, covering my head with my arms. “It’s been… really hard trying to stay level headed about this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to explain it to the others. I called them, the night it happened when we were waiting for Glen’s parents to arrive. I thought for sure they wouldn’t be able to forget him.”

My fingers lace across the back of my neck and I take a moment to steady my breathing. When I’m certain that I won’t freak out, I sit back upright and force out my lungful of air. “And it’s just… been so fucking stressful. Watching Jun shut herself off and for Beat and Mal and Robbie and Ayumu to carry on like nothing is wrong.”

Because something is wrong. Something is terribly, horribly wrong and the last thing I want is confirmation that they don’t recognize that we’re missing a part of us.

I don’t think my heart will be able to handle it.

Lia surprises me by scooting closer and slipping her arm through mine. “It’s okay to allow yourself to be angry every once in a while.”

I try to laugh again, but the sound doesn’t quite make its way out. “You would think that would be true. I’d love for it to be true.” My voice fades, exhaustion slipping back in. “But right now I don’t feel like I can. Because if Jun can’t keep it together, and I can’t keep it together, then we’re going to have to find the words to explain what is wrong. We have to pretend like it is normal.”

The words taste stale in my mouth, forced, uncomfortable, but I can’t see another way around it.

I’m willingly perpetuating that forgetfulness in them.

Her elbow nudges my side, small and sharp. “Don’t think like that. Not around me, you don’t have to. Jun’s not here, the others aren’t here. It’s just you and me.”

There’s something in the tone of her voice that nearly breaks my control. She knows. She was there with us. She has been getting closer to our group, to those of us in Meliora.

With a chuckle, I cover my eyes with my free hand. Her warmth is reassuring, comforting. “It’s been a week and a half. If I haven’t cried already, I’m not about to start now.”

She takes my hand and grips it tightly in both of hers, resting it in her lap. Her fingers are small, slim, pale compared to mine. “It’s been a week and a half since one of your best friends died, Zoné. It’s okay that it’s not okay. It’s okay that it’s going to take awhile for you to be okay.”

My control slips further, and I shift my fingers to twine with hers. I have to use the wall beside the stairs to keep me upright, to keep me from simply doubling over. “I didn’t even know it was that bad. I couldn’t do anything.”

Her words are as soft as her touch. “I know. Believe me, I know. Things seem fine one moment, and an instant later, they aren’t.” Lia smooths her thumb over the back of my hand. “The important thing is to know that you’re allowed to hate the results. Don’t pretend like it can keep on being fine.”

I hate that she’s right. This is all stuff that I know, but I won’t allow myself to consider. “Am I supposed to start ignoring everyone else then?” It’s easier to counter her with more excuses, because it distracts me from the truth. “How am I supposed to act around Beat and them without having the words to explain?”

For a moment, she doesn’t reply. Just continues to hold my hand. “I don’t know,” she finally admits. “But it’s not good to ignore your own feelings. Jun has her own way of mourning.”

Then, softly, “Give yourself a chance to mourn as well.”

My grip tightens in hers, and when she returns the pressure, I finally allow myself to break down.

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